I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So vagazzling was a success
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
