Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
