im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
