apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
