My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
