I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
