I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
