hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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