there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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