please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
