Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
