i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
