the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
