I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
