If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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