I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
