i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
