is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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