if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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