She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
