Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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