my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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