you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
