I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
