awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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