I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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