i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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