If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
