: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
