You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
