Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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