i permit you to call me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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