they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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