What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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