This girl is more easily done than said...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
