He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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