My Higher Power is John Stamos
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
