no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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