he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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