her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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