I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
