I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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