her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
