You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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