i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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