We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
