Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the condom got lost in my hair
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
