Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
