Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
