Sry I called you an 8
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
