I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
