You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize