the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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