I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
