Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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