About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
