I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
