My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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