had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
