I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
